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Working at a call center used to be rewarding and exciting for me. You have the opportunity to meet a lot of people. In fact, I met my present boyfriend there. And the best thing about working in a call center is… the pay is good.

I worked in a call center to support my college education and help my family with our household expenses. Unfortunately, I was not able to save enough money before I even lost my job.

Right now, I still want to go back to school and finish my studies and take the board exam, so I will become an Architect, then get married, and live in my dream house that I have designed (will post later). This has always been my dream. I also know for a fact that if I stay in the call center industry, this dream would never come true.

I know that I need the job and I could’ve done better at it. But I don’t want to sacrifice the time I could be spending with my daughter instead of taking in calls of these stupid customers.

There are other ways that I can earn money. We have a business. We used to own restaurants with my family’s business partners. But we’re starting over again from scratch right now because of the shit that happened last year. I thought that maybe I could help my parents with the business ‘coz I’m pretty good at selling stuff.

Once our business does well again, I don’t have to worry about paying for my education. I just want our life before Ondoy back, where money wasn’t a big concern…

Have you ever felt like killing yourself because of the pressures of work, family, and a bunch of other shit? They say that everyone has thought about it at least once in their lifetime. But I have thought about it lots of times, like right now. I’ve tried a lot of things that could kill me, but look—I’m still fucking alive!

I hate this depression and I hate the fact that my life is all fucked up. I wish for so many things that just aren’t happening. And I keep punishing myself and beating myself up about everything. Why? Because other people think that I just can’t do it! I feel like everything I say and do is stupid and worthless to them, and I can’t take it anymore! I can’t take any of this!

I’m still not crying and it’s all in my chest and it’s so painful. I feel like no one can possibly understand how bad I feel and that bothers me so much.

I was used to having someone to call my better half all the time, until he graduated earlier than me, got a job, and fell in love with his officemate.

Last month was Hell! And until now, I can’t get over the inevitable breakup. The moment I broke up with him, I thought I’d get over him easily.

As the days went by, I started to feel the pain getting worse each day, like a bomb you find in this tiny room that’s ticking away in your heart. The sound  getting louder with every passing second. You know what’s coming but you freeze at the moment. And then suddenly, it explodes, and your heart breaks into a million pieces, shooting in all directions.

I thought I was dead, but the truth is, I live to feel the excruciating pain.

But my body, my mind and my heart is learning to adjust, adapt and accept reality as it is. I realized that the world doesn’t stop spinning just because I experienced the most devastating blow of my life so far.

Although we have been apart for a while, and now he already has a different love in his life, I still can’t help but wonder how his life is, if his heart still beats a little faster as mine does when he remembers me. That is, if he stills remembers me…

7 years ago, he was just a boy I had a crush on. We have a history… a friendship, we listened to each other and laughed together. Then we fell in love.  I didn’t have to pretend with him. He loved me for what I am.

My feelings have never been more clear, and I know they will never go away just like that. My friends and even his new girlfriend kept telling me, “Move on! Just accept the fact that he’s not yours anymore!” Some people just can’t understand how I’m suffering right now. I’ve done stupid things recently just to let all the hurt out. I have been a psychotic bitch and ranted about a whole bunch of things on Facebook.  As a result, he and his new girlfriend started to hate me.

I wanted to forget about him. I even tried to kill myself just so the pain in my heart would go away, but I couldn’t because of my daughter.

It really takes a lot of time to move on, especially with someone like him, who is the father of my daughter, and the love of my life. Until now, I wish I couldv’e undone all the wrong things I’ve done, even before all this happened. I’m not even sure if I could move on at all.

I can’t keep on fighting for him if he doesn’t want me back. I have to let him go. I have to be strong no matter how much it hurts. And I know that this experience will make me a stronger woman.

Here’s me, deleting all the bad memories in my head, shutting down and reformatting my life…